How to Respond Effectively to Hostile Communication – Part 1

Our environment seems pregnant with uncivilized communication. Current events have resulted in people being confused, stressed, and angry. These individuals respond to disagreements by verbally and digitally attacking each other. I have witnessed these aggressive behaviors between colleagues, long-time friends, and even family members. It’s also on social media and chat groups. How do you communicate effectively in this potpourri of unhealthy dialogue?

“But no one can tame the human tongue.” (James 3:8, AMP)

Help is here. You can increase your effectiveness in responding to hostile communications by using a simple acronym. The acronym is STAR: Stop. Think. Ask. Respond. 

Because this is such an important and relevant topic, I will cover it in multiple posts. This post covers the first two steps: Stop and Think.

When you run into hostile communication, your very first step is to STOP for a mental (avoid pessimism) and emotional (maintain control) pause. 

Take an intentional pause to avoid an undesired reaction – the kind you may regret for many years. Force yourself to pause by mentally and emotionally stopping before you react. That stop could be hours or just a few seconds. It needs to be long enough to ensure you are in total control of your emotions.

A stop begs you to take the high road and can prevent the results of an emotional train wreck like severing a relationship that you care deeply about.

I use a secret weapon to force myself to ‘stop’ when I’m hit in the face with an uncivilized confrontation. It is to smile and respond with one word: “Interesting.” That smile gives me a quick second for my blood pressure to go back down. Saying “Interesting” gives me more time (than just a split second) to move to the next step: Think. 

“The gate to victory in hostility is unlocked when you stop and think.”

The first step bought you thinking time. Your second step to effectively handle hostile communications is to THINK. Take advantage of the time to think and consider your most suitable action. For example, if you are typing your rebuttal to an aggressive text message, pause and think for an hour (or two) before sending your response. If you are replying to a combative email, leave your reply in draft mode for 24hrs – to think.

The power of thinking is that it can bring us to a point of reasoning. We become more proactive than reactive when we stop and think. When we react negatively, it’s most often because we did not stop to think of 1) what is truly important, 2) our objective in responding, or 3) the consequences of our actions.

Tightly coupled with “Think” is the third step, “Ask,” which will be covered in another post, but here is a teaser.   I usually buy “thinking” time for what I refer to as my personal acid test question. I ask myself: Will I reflect Christ in my response?  

The tongue (including the digital one) is a formidable weapon that is difficult to tame. It takes practice to manage. Your objective should always be to respond to hostility in a civilized manner. The gate to victory in hostility is unlocked when you stop and think. 

Look for the final two steps, “Ask” and “Respond,” in my next post.

Empowered Leader Reflection

What would you gain if you ‘Stop and Think’ before reacting to hostile communication?