How to Disagree – Without Being Disagreeable

Disagreements are inevitable. They will happen as long as you are living and breathing. How leaders maintain control and navigate these disagreements is a different story. To be effective, a leader must know how to agree without being disagreeable.

I remember the days when schoolyard arguments would either end peacefully or in a principal’s office.  Back then, it was normal for friends to argue but then show up at each other’s home for dinner that night. It also used to be normal for friends to passionately advocate for their political party, but after elections, their friendship would not have been impacted. Well, would you agree that those days are far in our review mirrors? Our environment is ripe with hostility. The application of healthy conflict resolution is fleeting. Too many times, the outcome of disagreements is extreme. It appears many public and professional leaders fan the flames that encourage hostile behavior and division.

As Christ-centered leaders, we should know how to control our emotional responses and role-model the art of constructive disagreement.

Why This is Important

Being able to have and constructively discuss an opposing perspective comes with many benefits. That includes:

• Fosters a healthy environment. Employee satisfaction is high when they feel empowered.

• Encourages open dialogue. This is the foundation of good communication.

• Signals all input is valued. One beauty of diversity is it brings differing points of view.  People feel valued when they can communicate their perspectives.

• Maintains a collaborative atmosphere. People can only collaborate when their differing points and approaches are accepted as helpful versus disruptive.

Steps to Constructively Disagree

How do you disagree without devaluing the person disagreeing with you?

• Address the situation. And definitely, not the person. When you say, “You never do XYZ,” you are attacking the person. Instead, say, “This is not always done.”

• Be respectful and understanding. No personal attacks. Instead of taking a defensive position, consider that the other person may want to do what’s right and has the best intentions. Don’t put down the other person’s position. Think of it as just different, and different is not necessarily bad.

• Be mindful of your non-verbal communication. It communicates a more impactful message than your words. Dismissive looks, pointing fingers, and folded arms communicate the opposite of collaboration.

• Listen. Actively Listen to the opposing point of view with an open mind. That means to seek understanding by asking questions before forming your rebuttal. Before you can teach, you have to be willing to listen.

• Leave an opened Door. Be open to the possibility that the other person could be right. Share your position as a question or idea. Consider the “both and” possibility. That means, it may not be one or the other and that both points could be correct.

• Know when to bow out gracefully. There’s nothing wrong in agreeing to disagree. It shows emotional strength and self-confidence when you can gracefully walk away from a disagreement, especially one at a stalemate or needs de-escalation.

Failing to disagree gracefully can have significant repercussions. Poor handling of disagreements can result in negative team dynamics. It can also hinder organizational effectiveness and eventually lower top and bottom-line results.

In contrast, when we constructively navigate our part of the equation, it fosters trust, effective communication, collaboration, and better decision-making.

When we demonstrate Christ-like behaviors and treat each other with respect, it goes a long way in driving civility and peaceful discourse. These are behaviors we should be role modeling, particularly to those who look to us for direction and guidance.

Empowered Leader Reflection

What is your proven technique to disagree without being disagreeable?

Your turn. If this resonated with you, why not add a comment below?